This blog is different than some of my others. I hope you are blessed and challenged to pursue the call of your heart Jesus has placed there, wherever it leads.
The last two weeks have been tough, I mean really tough. If I am really honest, the last three years have been tough. Two Friday’s ago, I sat in my office at the end of the last 15 minutes of the work day when an overwhelming feeling of despair rolled over me like a tidal wave. As I sat starring at my computer screen in silence for that entire time, I uttered these words, “I hate this.” I could not now, nor then have told you what the “this” was, I just knew I was in trouble. From that point until I walked in my house, I could not tell you how I got home or how I even made it home.
As I drove home, I continued to be overcome with sadness, despair, emptiness. I was numb, a total zombie. About a mile from my house is a park. I drive past it every evening. Somehow, my vehicle turned into that park and I drove to the furthest back parking space I could find. I just sat there and closed my eyes. I couldn’t even pray. I sat in total silence, reeling inside. At some point, I managed to utter “Jesus.” No relief came from the despair, but peace did come. It was going to be okay, I did not know when or how, but I knew it was going to be okay (sometimes all it takes is to say the name of Jesus and sometimes that is all we can say). After I few minutes, I figured I better get home as to not worry my family. I was about and hour late! When I walked in the door, my wife could see my countenance and she graciously did not say anything. I wouldn’t have even been able to respond at that time anyway.
Later in the evening, I went downstairs where I meet with my Father. It’s my listening spot. I sat in more silence, still unable to speak. I remember thinking, “This is not good Zac, this is not good at all.” Eventually, my precious bride came downstairs and asked the question every guy dreads, “What’s going on?” What she was really asking was, “Can I have access to your heart?” I responded, “How much time do you have?” and of course she said, “As much as you need.”
I proceeded to tell her about the struggle of the call of my heart. I have been hearing this call for many years. Some days it is deep and bellowing, other days it is subtle and faint, but nonetheless the call is daily. But, I could not define or put into words what I was feeling.
At the last three Boot Camps, the session that has called to me most profoundly has been the session on Adventure and Calling. My heart has been so stirred to action, but action never seems to come when I return home. After listening to me describe all this to her, as best I could, my wife quite possibly spoke the most life giving words I had ever heard in my life, and God was so in it. He was speaking directly to my heart through her!
She said to me with such tenderness and love, “Zac, we’ve probably had this same conversation over the course of the last three years a hundred times, and I think what I have gathered from this conversation is you are struggling to decide what direction you want to go between two Zac’s.” At this point I was very intrigued, and what happened next was the freeing of my soul in such a holy moment that can only happen when someone who knows you, really knows you and knows your heart, can give you truth supernaturally.
My bride continued with tears of love and compassion streaming out of her tender and loving eyes, “You are fighting a battle along a continuum of your heart. On one end of the continuum is ‘Safe Zac’ full of responsibility, seriousness, dependable, self-sacrificing, and predictable. But, on the other end of the continuum is ‘Reckless for Jesus Zac’ where you want to live everyday following him, depending on him, totally for him, whatever he has each day, living out of your heart, and doing exactly what he wants you to do. What I have seen is Jesus moving you closer and closer to ‘Reckless for Jesus Zac’ and you are feeling like you are at an intersection and the time to make a decision for the future is now.” It was like the Holy Spirit opened my heart and let my bride look inside and put to words what I had been searching for over the course of the last three years. I came back to life! My heart was resurrected! That was exactly what I had been feeling and experiencing!! What a whole and holy moment that was!! I was set free!! Thank you Jesus!!
But, that was just the beginning. The pursuit of my heart has just started. I have spent long stretches of time since that conversation walking this out, asking Jesus what this call of my heart could look like. I have been very intentional sitting in solitude and silence, allowing him to speak and inviting him to lead me. I have not received all the answers, but what I have learned and am still learning, is Jesus is so in this struggle and the adventure. Even though I have been dealing with this same struggle for such a long time, I have never been closer to Jesus, never more have I felt his love pouring over me in such a real way, or wanted to be in his presence more than I ever have at than any other time in my life!
I am pursuing the call of my heart with passion and zeal while I am also letting Jesus pursue my heart with all the passion and zeal he displayed going to the cross for me!
As the story goes with all of us though who are in Christ, the enemy has been right there bringing foul spirits of despair and discouragement. But, I am equipped with the truth and knowledge of how to fight back and resist. It has been intense, but I fight from a place of victory and have won every battle so far with Jesus fighting with me, right by my side!!
I don’t know where the call of my heart will lead, but I do know the call of my heart is the most real and true me there is, and I know the call of my heart is the voice of my brother and friend Jesus. I am listening intently. I am willing to follow, wherever he leads.
I will leave you with this, one of my favorite songs of all time. The truth of this song has deeply encouraged me. I pray you are encouraged as well:
